It amazes me just how much the sunshine (or lack thereof) affects my life.
(Mental Note: Live somewhere with a balance. Lots of sunshine, yet enough time without, in order to appreciate its brilliance.)
On days when I awaken to beams of light in my eyes, my outlook is thoroughly positive. I find myself in constant search for a way to live each moment of sunlight to the fullest. Shouldn’t I live that way every day?!
(Obviously.)
I’m discovering that I’m at a time in my life when I have to weather a lot of unknowns. A sunny outlook is helpful.
At the moment, I am waiting to hear about whether or not I got the long-term sub position at Garfield Elementary. That yes/no will have an incredible effect on my life’s course for the next few months. I will go from having the hazy plan of moving home for a few weeks to streamline all the things I carry, as well as to squeeze in all kinds of medical appointments before my insurance runs out, to quickly having to figure out a place to live until March…among other things. Sounds overwhelming. But nice, in a way…
Yet it’s hard to ignore this muttering in the back of my mind warning me against staying put. I have officially outgrown the Sioux Falls lifestyle and, despite a similar voice that loves the comfort that comes with this place, I think I’m ready to admit that I want out. I am keenly aware of my yearning for anything, so long as it’s “other”. I am tired of the routine. I am tired of the avoidance of the very places I am supposed to feel most at home. I am tired of longing for something different and doing nothing about it. I need a change in scenery. Need to venture out.
Soon.
But, I suppose if I do get this job, venturing out on my own could mean simply getting a studio apartment in the city and making it my own. OH, how badly I crave privacy….the feeling of being safe in my own home. Not that my apartment has been a threatening place to live per se—more so that I worry about getting yelled at by my mouthy and judgmental soon-to-be-lawyer roommate day in and day out. I have reverted to making a mad dash to my room and slamming the door shut as soon as I step into “our” space. My room is the only place that is truly mine. It is my safe haven, free of a critical eye.
Imagine if my entire apartment could feel that way…!
I could spend time with whomever I desire. I could play my music where ever I’d like, as loud as I’d like. I could not clean the bathroom sink until I felt it needed it. (Which would probably be more often than I do now because it’d be my own space…and because I have a strange need to irk my roommate in the most passive-aggressive ways possible…?!) I’d treat it well.
Ugh.
I just need have the space to be able to live the life that I long to lead. I love my friends here—I’d miss them (desperately) if I decided to venture elsewhere. But, at the same time, I think I have some growing up to do…seperately. I know it would be good for my soul to try and decipher how I see and feel about things on my own. Make up my own mind. Not get stuck in the drama between friends and their lovers. [Never my own…:) ] To be free of my mistakes and miscues… it’d be heavenly—like going off to college again. My reputation needn’t follow. I would get to choose who I wanted to be in the moment.
I’d like that.
No comments:
Post a Comment