[The Wild Blue Yonder.]

My life has become the equivalent of a spirited banjo twang.

Or the feel of closed eyes and listening ears as a breeze passes over warm skin.

Or the pleasant blur of mountain and cloud.

I'm telling you...

This past month has been chock full of sweet reverberations and soulful swooning over people in all kinds of places. Never a dull moment. Never a missed beat. Enough memorable moments to fill an eternity, yet this timeline continues on. I'm unsure I've ever been so positive that this place in my life is fully inhabitable and so perfectly crafted to suit my every need, whim, and/or growth spurt.

You'll hear this from me often, but I must say...

These people have astounded me.

Everyone-- volunteers, visitors, guests, strangers.

I simply adore the space that I find myself in.

It's like finding the ideal soundtrack to life--

Everything has such a harmony to it.

So many meticulous, yet spontaneously original, changes in key to keep it all as lively as can be.

Life just...feels...good.

[Long Lost.]

I found a poem of sorts tucked away in a sketch book in the high school corner of my closet at my parent's homestead. Having failed to take any time to blog this (majestic and oh so wonderful) summer, I figured I might as well share this fun little bit of history...

For the record I have no idea who it's about, when it was written, or what kind of teenage angst I saw myself drowning in...nada.

Your guess is as good as mine.

And that seems to be a beautiful thing.

Is it me?

I cherish you

adore you

want to be with you

when I see you

I run.

I freeze.

(please)

say something...

give attention...

you leave.

without a word

without a glimpse

are you as sorry as i am?

vulnerable? are you broken?

or is it me?

until finally

I see you

give attention

with forced words

with blazing cheeks

I freeze.

you leave.

(please)

you're just like me.

[The Linear Verbage Project. Take Two!]

I neglected to add many old favorites in the first attempt at this list of brilliant lyrics, and have since discovered many more lines to love! Fear not, I'm sure there will be more to include not too far down the road...!

“The soles of my feet, a history. The back of my knees, a mystery.”

Mathie: Proven

“What if the trees were really holding the sky up?”

Ellis: How Would It Be?

“I held so many people in my suitcase heart that I had to let the whole thing go. It was taken by the wind and snow…”

“I’ve begun to trust the view here.”

Weepies: Slow Pony Home

“The meek had a meeting of minds. Consistent hypocrisy—hey, that’s all right!”

The Thrills: You Can't Fool Old Friends With Limousines

“I’m the hero of the story. Don’t need to be saved.”

Regina Spektor: Hero

“Alabama, Arkansas! I do love my ma and pa. Not the way that I do love you…”

Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros: Home

“In the softness of her laugh, I could almost make my bed.”

Copeland: I’m a Sucker for a Kind Word

“Any man who knows a thing knows he knows not a damn, damn thing at all.”

K’Naan: Take a Minute

“Until someone loves you, I’ll keep you safe.”

The Hush Sound: That’s Okay

“I’ll never say I’ll never love…but I don’t say a lot of things…”

Ingrid Michaelson: The Chain

“You’re dumbstruck, baby. Now you know.”

The National: Racing Like a Pro

“Everything looks better from far away.”

The Postal Service: Such Great Heights

“Lost in fog and love and faithless fear, I’ve had kisses that make Judas seem sincere.”

The Hold Steady: Citrus

“Love is a dress that you made long to hide your knees.”

Iron & Wine: Love and Some Verses

“Like a river of tangled string, you are unraveling.”

Deb Talan: Unraveling

“Lovin’ is fine as long as it’s not in your mind.”

Damien Rice: The Professor

“When you showed me myself…I became someone else.”

Joseph Arthur: In the Sun

“A remedy to agony…”

Lissie: Here Before

“Is she outside-in or inside-out?”

Freelance Whales: Hannah

“So you quote love unquote me.”

“You tell me I’m not not cute.”

The Magnetic Fields: I Don’t Believe You

“Some say they saw in me innocent poetry.”

Iron & Wine: History of Lovers

“You can’t go round just saying stuff because it’s pretty. And I no longer drink enough to think you’re witty.”

The Magnetic Fields: You Must Be Out of Your Mind

“We’ve got a minefield of crippled affection.”

Broken Social Scene: World Sick

“Two drifters: off to see the world. There’s such a lot of world to see...”

Josh Ritter: Moon River (cover)

“It’s okay to do what you know in your heart to be right.”

Terror Pigeon Revolt!: IOTDWYKIYHTBR

“Your head caught in a waking dream…”

Fleet Foxes: Your Protector

“I am losing myself dreaming of you.”

Caroline Smith and the Goodnight Sleeps:

“The smoke of memories in my eyes—the real misleading kind.”

A Fine Frenzy: Winter White

“You’re making love to the past.”

Free Energy: Dark Trance

“Have you fallen from where glory sprouts?”

Nathaniel Rateliff: Early Spring Till

“The path of least resistance is catching up with me again today…”

Brandi Carlile: Again Today

“She’s got jumper cable lips, sunset on her breath now. I inhale just a little bit and I got no fear of death now…!”

Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros: 40 Day Dream

“The gold-soaked afternoon comes slow.”

“The static’s where you’ll find me.”

Jack’s Mannequin: Into the Airwaves

“This is nothing new—just another phase of finding.”

“You give miles and miles of mountains and I’ll ask for the sea.”

Damien Rice: Volcano

“You painted me in pastel; colors that don’t tell of any boldness.”

The Hush Sound: The Artist

“I am what I am—you ain’t gotta love me.”

Brother Ali: Forest Whitaker

“I tried to hold your hand, but you’d rather hold your grudge.”

Relient K: Which to Bury; Us or the Hatchet

“As simple as it sounds, I think I’ve found the perfect way to grow old.”

QuietDrive: Both Ways

“Living in a dream, walking between sunrise and sunset.”

The Weepies: Living in Twilight

“All my mistakes have become masterpieces.”

Teitur (feat. Tarira): All My Mistakes

“But I sure loved the way the way that you lingered here.”

Nathaniel Rateliff: Once in a Great While

“I think we’ll either sink or swim ’cause we could do either on a whim.”

Bell X1: Eve, The Apple of My Eye

“You see stars that clear have been dead for years, but the idea just lives on…”

Bright Eyes: We Are Nowhere and It’s Now

“You just want to fix yourself so you can break again.”

Copeland: The Last time He Saw Dorie

“Never put her roots down...”

Neil Young: Unknown Legend (esp. when sung by Sydney in Rachel Getting Married)

“Shut me up with your long tube socks—they don’t scream, “Hey, let’s just be friends!”

Freelance Whales: Starring

“Can you lie next to her and confess your love as well as your folly?”

“You desired my attention, but denied my affections.”

Mumford & Sons: White Blank Page

“Rusting far below me, battered hulls and broken hardships.”

Josh Ritter: Change of Time

“But our intentions were intangible and sweet, sick with simple math and shy discoveries, piled up against our impending defeat.”

The Weakerthans: Benediction

“Thought of you as my mountain top, thought of you as my peak.”

The Velvet Underground: Pale Blue Eyes

“Strolling, so vagrant, so shaken, so grown, so—god—so mistaken, so broke, so, so complacent, so worn out…so worn out…so worn out…”

P.O.S.: P.O.S. Is Ruining My Life

[Heading South.]

These past few days have been some of the most interesting of my life. Part of it can be found in the experiences themselves, but more so in the conflict of high and low.

Recap:

My struggle to adjust to life outside of SD had a surprising twist upon reuniting with and discovering new old friends. It's been great and excruciating. Pain, pleasure.

Plans to go visit Sioux Falls for graduation weekend turned into a last minute sprint to ready myself for a backpacking trip in the high grounds of Superior.

Hiked it. Rocked it. Got absolutely rocked.

Hitch-hiked, swam with leeches, hiked with wolves, hosted tent parties, swam in creeks, found Brown Water to be most thirst-quenching beverage in the world and discovered peanut butter is best on the things you'd least expect, survived a flash flood, earned muddy war paint and an official trail name.

Left on an absolute high. Arrived in a less friendly reality.

This has been yet another truly debilitating transition.

My most dependable relationship in this town is heading West. I'm feeling frustrated with my new job. (The more I explore, the more I'm noticing everything looks the same.) And finally, a rejection from my future. Colorado put the kabosh on my expectations. Thus, I’m left to revamp my plans. Back to the point of those posters that covered my walls back in November which I was incredibly grateful to not have to look at for the past 5 or so months — "Do I Stay or Do I Go Now?"

Hmm.

If I have learned anything in this past month, I know that I must simply continue to explore. With purpose. With passion. With every ounce of my being.

In taking the first steps in doing so, I'm feeling tugged in many directions. I am open to many plans. Perhaps more than is healthy. I believe -- I have to -- that I will know it when I find what I am looking for.

Last night I went to an international volunteering seminar. Felt drawn.

I've heard myself ponder the option of picking a state and going. Find something once I get there.

The yearning is still there to WWOOF, but this time I’m wondering about setting out on my own instead of finding a companion.

And you know what? My move to the organic farm happens this weekend. Maybe that will be the turning point.

As you can imagine, with all these big picture who-knows up in the air, my life seems extremely abstract. I am overwhelmed with the possibilities, and - though I’m completely disappointed with the results of the Colorado stint - I am actually feeling quite refreshed about the potential housed in my future.

Where to begin?

Spin the globe. Close your eyes. Take a leap.

[Relearning to live.]

My life in Sioux Falls is now a tightly wrapped past present…err…gift. (I say that because I hope repeating it will make it true.) The relationships birthed there continue on…and so do I. I am now focused on my life in Minnesota. How to make it great?

So far, it hasn’t been me creating the opportunities and forcing the enlightenment. I’ve actually had a terrific time readjusting to life in this glorious state and taking in the fresh perspective on every aspect of this town and its neighbors. I have had a few wonderful guides.

I have to admit that my favorite new friend- who just so happens to be moving all the way out to Spokane in just over a week- has had an incredible impact on life as I know it ‘round these parts… and well beyond. I have learned more about just going, doing, and fully embracing life’s moments, surroundings, and overlooked brilliance in the three times we’ve hung out than I have over these last few years. And all of those feats were things I focused on and strove for everyday in a purposeful way before. But I suppose that’s where the two of us differ—I’m a ponderer, he's a leaper. I love the challenge that has sprouted in our interactions. My typical, thoughtful analysis of life doesn’t reign on high. I don’t have time to weigh the options and talk myself out of or into things. It’s just go-go-go and that’s exactly how I want to live. I think what I’m learning now is how to put all my thoughts and recently constructed goals on how to fully live into action. Not merely daydreaming.

It’s empowering! Exhausting. A gem of an experience for me.

I’ve squeezed so much out of life and put so much into it. After going through a long period of time where I became a bit lethargic and shrouded in routine and familiarity, I now feel energy welling up and pouring out, despite endless movement and sunrise bedtimes.

I need this. I love the creativity and motivation. I will continue beyond our time in the same state. I do think it will be tough… I mean, so much promise arrives out of nowhere and just as suddenly becomes a fleeting memory? It’s disappointing, but it’s not lost. Every moment of bold engagement in life is a tribute to these moments, so revisiting will be easy.

[Home Away From Home Away From Home...?]

This little adventure I’ve been on since deciding to leave the place I’ve lived for the last five years of my life has not been easy. Falling into a routine has been troubling—it seems pointless. I am feeling unsettled, unearthed, and far from grounded. My place here feels temporary.

Or so I say…as this is all still merely hypothetical.

I really am banking on this Colorado program, even though I am consistently riveted with guilt over beginning my job here, bonding with all sorts of people who so desperately need consistent interaction, and just as suddenly bolting from it.

At the same time, though, I am extremely enticed by the opportunity to get to know these familiar places on a whole new level. I get a charge out of discovering new attractions and fresh crannies to spend all my free time. I absolutely feed on the chance to go out and get a never-before-seen glimpse of the social scene here. It’s terrible and trying, yet is completely enticing because I find myself forced to make new acquaintances or relearn the folks that I never really knew all that well in the first place… I adore this freedom found in being routineless.

Home really is new to me now. And Northfield is even more foreign. Even more promising. I could absolutely be happy there for an extended period of time. Especially if I really let myself open up and fall in love with life. If I really allowed myself to commit to creating a life here—new friends, new habits, new weekend plans, and new fallback plans.

I haven’t committed to allowing myself such a privilege yet, however.

I’m protecting myself. Buffering others. Still getting used to the idea. I have to admit it has been far too easy to subconsciously convince myself that this is temporary. The kind of ‘temporary’ that I really understand this as being-- deep down, I mean—is something as simply and brief as some sort of school break or something. That’s all that I’ve known home as for the past five years, and that’s all it seems like now. It’s awfully hard for me to believe Sioux Falls is actually someone else’s now. I’m not sure that’ll hit me for a good, long while. I can hear myself say it as much as I want, but I means nothing. Not yet.

And really, in the oddest way, leaving has been a relief. I needed to go on exploring and needed to be forced out of that comfort zone. I see that once I dig through the layers of longing, loneliness, and adoration for those I had to leave there. I miss those loves terribly—the people, places, the sights and emotions that that glorious place brings out of me—time in and out I am only a few memories from tears.

But they are tears that dry up with each new distraction. And I’m really good at creating distractions for myself.

So, I suppose, that’s my crutch at the moment: Creating a new niche for myself. It’s exciting, filled with promise, and 100% new. I love the process. But I know that it’s keeping me from processing all the rest. Such is life, I suppose…? When you’re this skilled at forming your own coping mechanisms and disguising them as healthy outlets or have the ability to (truly) convince your-oh-so-gullable-self that you aren’t manipulating the situation’s loose ends to make this easier… well, it makes the whole scenario seem almost…fun.

You see, in my little bubble here, there doesn’t seem to be much pain left to deal with—for myself or anyone else. Even when I hear from friends claiming they miss me, I take a moment to turn my frown upside-down, but just as quickly put up some sort of protective barrier by telling myself that they felt that way for a split second and have since forgotten.

This situation has the same sort of feel as coming home from a foreign country does: you know that other life and all the variables that you so adored within it continue…but because they are not here, now, it is a hard reality to maintain.

The whole thing remains so mysterious. So distant. A bit numb.

[Breaking Point.]

I write you from an extraordinarily pathetic state.

It seems I've aged approximately 81 years in the last hour of my existence.

I now find myself a bit... bed-ridden?

And, therefore, excruciatingly aware of my, ahh, newfound independence.

You want the story?

Lean in.

I'll not do more than whisper this one...

For my ego's sake.

I'm thinking my predicament tonight is due to the latter of these mistakes, but probably wouldn't have had the same impact without them all.

So I'll start at the beginning.

Since December, I've been sleeping on a Air Bed.

(Unfortunate lifestyle reality.)

Then the ol' back endured quite a jolt taking a tumble during rolly-chair races in Brookings a few weeks back.

(Embarrassing life choice.)

After a double-digit number of days, it's been doing pretty well over the past few.

Then I helped push a car across Minnesota Avenue.

(Worthwhile investment of panting and hilarity.)

Then moving week occurred...er...is occurring now.

That means a lot of lifting and a lack of seating.

(Poor timing.)

And in my obnoxiously high level of boredom and anxiety this week, I chose to distract myself tonight by being crafty.

I finger-painted my bean bag toss over a sheet on the floor of my apartment.

(I can only say "All of the Above" to explain my feelings on explaining this one.)

Must have been leaning over to reach as oddly as humanly possible, but didn't notice because I was so engrossed in the sensory stimulation of such a project AND my need to be ever-vigilant in order to avoid the upturned screws and threatening wooden shards yearning to lodge themselves inside the skins of every finger on my two hands.

When it was all over, I went to stand up. Couldn't.

Crawled over to bed and here I stay.

My grabber (which I had to invest in post-rolly chair collision) is packed away in a suitcase.

My Tylenol is packed in the bag in the storage closet.

My closest friends are out of town.

My mom's backrub is a 3.5 hour car drive away.

And that boyfriend who's supposed to come running to my aid has been broken up with.

So what do I do?

Slur an obscene string of curse words...

Mutter something about my apparent need for a life alert button...

Whine and whimper a bit, as though I was about to throw the equivalent of a two-year-old's tantrum...

Make an attempt at moving things with my mind...

and then cry.

Just... sob...!

That-- right there-- is the true low point here.

Because the truth behind that sob lies simply my frustration in having those I have grown to depend on at such an alarming distance.

And, at a time when all I am doing is packing up my life to move onto one distant endeavor after another, that reality hits awfully hard.

So, although I will certainly admit this has been quite the pity party, I am left wondering if there's not more to it than that.

I have been carrying a lot over these past few weeks, emotionally speaking.

Maybe it'll just take a night of immobility to force me to work through some of those issues.

Maybe I just need to sleep on it.

...If I need more than that (like someone to get me a bed pan and then change it for me) I'll be sure to let you-- yes, you--know.

[When everything you thought, wasn’t.]

As it turns out, I may have been mistaken all along.

Your care was a surprise.

I saw your emotions.

You told me once you could separate yourself from them, but I saw.

I’m sorry.

I think I had it all wrong all along.

Or at least, I’m left wondering.

I thought you were the one who needed the deadline.

I thought you were the one who couldn’t let yourself love.

I thought you needed a here-and-now.

Didn’t think you were at all interested in a there-and-then.

So I didn’t allow myself to swoon like I would have liked.

I didn’t allow myself to ponder any kind of someday.

If I felt myself feeling a’flutter, I knew I had to crush the emotion.

I convinced myself out of the relationship, when I thought it clear that was what was expected.

I guarded my heart fiercely because you were guarding yours.

Or so I thought.

I didn’t fall for you.

But could I have?

Had I let myself take another step…?

It’s too late.

It’s okay.

It’s just…

This is why relationships are not supposed to be just for fun.

This is why they ought never be taken lightly.

This is why two people need to speak their feelings.

This is why endings are so treacherous.

When can I tell you all the good?

When can I let you know how I thought? How I cared?

Or do you already know?

When can we heal...?

I don’t know the rules here.

This is a terrain even more foreign than the one we just left.

There is little of which I am certain.

I know I am sad.

I let you down.

I locked away my feelings.

Locked away the key.

Made it easy to leave.

I feel cruel. I feel regret. I feel…

Well, that’s just it—

Now that I’m allowed, I feel.

And wish that I would have felt before,

So I could know how to feel now.

[ When you realize your life, their life is a cluster-fuck. ]

Boundaries.

We’re in constant negotiation with them day in and out. We tend to find out when we overstep in the most aggressive way possible, when all we yearn for is for those who see our blunders to maintain its hushed status. These boundaries are tricky and ruthless—time and time again we can caress the line, without any sort of notice. No congratulations or swell of applause for navigating around it. No disappointed eyes averting our own or self-infused guilt tripping us up, either. Boundaries. They haunt our every moment, every step, every point of our life beyond.

Still, I recognize the beauty of boundaries. Every once in a while I am grateful for the sense of order, even ethics, that they attempt to instill. Every other while, though, I wonder why those who unknowingly cross those lines are forced to pay they way they do. Who’s to say what’s more right or most wrong? This is territory that I don’t like to negotiate often. Throws my head in a tizzy. Yet here I am, wondering.

About Line #1:

I’m wondering why one human being gets scolded for announcing she’s about to pour out her emotions and then – how dare she!-- proceeding to do so. She’s speaking her truths. She’s told you she needs a space to express her darker issues, so why do you refuse to allow her that? She’s insulting you by default? Get over it. Stop reading. You have a choice, you see. She doesn’t. This is her shit. You are in the depths of it. If you don’t like it, get out. The whole point is that she’s making an effort to join in your escape efforts. Why don’t you give her a hand? Instead of ripping on her for the way she feels and the emotions she’s trying to get a handle on, reach out to her kindly. Instead of dedicating your loyalty to a Place, dedicate it to a friend. Even if you don’t understand any aspect of it because you’ve never visited that place in which she resides. Judging from the state of her well-being, you should give your thanks that that’s the case.

Then give some care.

Then give some space.

Pain forces us to do things that we wouldn’t typically do. We cross boundaries we wouldn’t normally touch. When you’re the brunt of it, be it fair or otherwise, understand that you are not the reason for this reaction. There’s depth here.

Be sure to give your understanding.

Be sure to give some space.

If she were unpacking her baggage about some other topic, things would not be this dicey. If she were exposing her wounds from a lover that done her wrong in order to overcome the suffering she’d gone through, she’d be getting a few “hallelujah’s” from the crowd. If she were expressing her disdain for…I don’t know… study hall, she’d get a thousand comments backing her and would get just as many high fives in the hallway. So she’s talking about something personal to you. It’s personal to her, too. You’re her friend. What are you going to do?

Whew.

And Line #2:

What happens when you thought the boundary line was here, and suddenly – yet still too late, mind you – discover it’s all the way over there…?!!

When did it change and why were you not informed? Something this enormously defining… shouldn’t there been some sort of discussion about this?!

Oh, wait.

I suppose that argument works both ways, doesn’t it?

This is the moment.

It’s when you discover this relationship—this give, this take—has been lived in your head all along. So much has been decided not in voice but in assessment. Your keen eye for detail and your avid ability to analyze the shit out of every exchange has—gasp!—led you astray.

What now?

What do you do?

How do you change for the better next time?

Ugh.

Then onto Line #3:

The one that shuts you up because you’re not free to say what you want to say even though you seemed to think you were free to do so not long ago! (Where was the line then, eh?!) It’s the very same one that will cause your eyes to glance at the ground when you reminisce because you know you shouldn’t, but, at the same time, you know there’s nothing else you should do more. You’re torn, but not. You’re stuck is all. Don’t wish the time away. Just be amidst the confusion. Live amid the fogginess and the guilt and the giddiness and the ache and the unknown. You think you’ll be healed once things get figured out… but can’t life is just be okay here? Right where you are. Embedded in its tangles. Writhing in the moment’s mistakes and misgivings. Why can’t you just give yourself enough space to breathe and thrive here? What comes may come in its own time. It will be whatever it can be. You are not in control and – epiphany – you never were. Live it here. Love it here.

Hmm.

Now… Where’s Line #4? I know it's around here somewhere...