Boundaries.
We’re in constant negotiation with them day in and out. We tend to find out when we overstep in the most aggressive way possible, when all we yearn for is for those who see our blunders to maintain its hushed status. These boundaries are tricky and ruthless—time and time again we can caress the line, without any sort of notice. No congratulations or swell of applause for navigating around it. No disappointed eyes averting our own or self-infused guilt tripping us up, either. Boundaries. They haunt our every moment, every step, every point of our life beyond.
Still, I recognize the beauty of boundaries. Every once in a while I am grateful for the sense of order, even ethics, that they attempt to instill. Every other while, though, I wonder why those who unknowingly cross those lines are forced to pay they way they do. Who’s to say what’s more right or most wrong? This is territory that I don’t like to negotiate often. Throws my head in a tizzy. Yet here I am, wondering.
About Line #1:
I’m wondering why one human being gets scolded for announcing she’s about to pour out her emotions and then – how dare she!-- proceeding to do so. She’s speaking her truths. She’s told you she needs a space to express her darker issues, so why do you refuse to allow her that? She’s insulting you by default? Get over it. Stop reading. You have a choice, you see. She doesn’t. This is her shit. You are in the depths of it. If you don’t like it, get out. The whole point is that she’s making an effort to join in your escape efforts. Why don’t you give her a hand? Instead of ripping on her for the way she feels and the emotions she’s trying to get a handle on, reach out to her kindly. Instead of dedicating your loyalty to a Place, dedicate it to a friend. Even if you don’t understand any aspect of it because you’ve never visited that place in which she resides. Judging from the state of her well-being, you should give your thanks that that’s the case.
Then give some care.
Then give some space.
Pain forces us to do things that we wouldn’t typically do. We cross boundaries we wouldn’t normally touch. When you’re the brunt of it, be it fair or otherwise, understand that you are not the reason for this reaction. There’s depth here.
Be sure to give your understanding.
Be sure to give some space.
If she were unpacking her baggage about some other topic, things would not be this dicey. If she were exposing her wounds from a lover that done her wrong in order to overcome the suffering she’d gone through, she’d be getting a few “hallelujah’s” from the crowd. If she were expressing her disdain for…I don’t know… study hall, she’d get a thousand comments backing her and would get just as many high fives in the hallway. So she’s talking about something personal to you. It’s personal to her, too. You’re her friend. What are you going to do?
Whew.
And Line #2:
What happens when you thought the boundary line was here, and suddenly – yet still too late, mind you – discover it’s all the way over there…?!!
When did it change and why were you not informed? Something this enormously defining… shouldn’t there been some sort of discussion about this?!
Oh, wait.
I suppose that argument works both ways, doesn’t it?
This is the moment.
It’s when you discover this relationship—this give, this take—has been lived in your head all along. So much has been decided not in voice but in assessment. Your keen eye for detail and your avid ability to analyze the shit out of every exchange has—gasp!—led you astray.
What now?
What do you do?
How do you change for the better next time?
Ugh.
Then onto Line #3:
The one that shuts you up because you’re not free to say what you want to say even though you seemed to think you were free to do so not long ago! (Where was the line then, eh?!) It’s the very same one that will cause your eyes to glance at the ground when you reminisce because you know you shouldn’t, but, at the same time, you know there’s nothing else you should do more. You’re torn, but not. You’re stuck is all. Don’t wish the time away. Just be amidst the confusion. Live amid the fogginess and the guilt and the giddiness and the ache and the unknown. You think you’ll be healed once things get figured out… but can’t life is just be okay here? Right where you are. Embedded in its tangles. Writhing in the moment’s mistakes and misgivings. Why can’t you just give yourself enough space to breathe and thrive here? What comes may come in its own time. It will be whatever it can be. You are not in control and – epiphany – you never were. Live it here. Love it here.
Hmm.
Now… Where’s Line #4? I know it's around here somewhere...
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