[Breaking Point.]

I write you from an extraordinarily pathetic state.

It seems I've aged approximately 81 years in the last hour of my existence.

I now find myself a bit... bed-ridden?

And, therefore, excruciatingly aware of my, ahh, newfound independence.

You want the story?

Lean in.

I'll not do more than whisper this one...

For my ego's sake.

I'm thinking my predicament tonight is due to the latter of these mistakes, but probably wouldn't have had the same impact without them all.

So I'll start at the beginning.

Since December, I've been sleeping on a Air Bed.

(Unfortunate lifestyle reality.)

Then the ol' back endured quite a jolt taking a tumble during rolly-chair races in Brookings a few weeks back.

(Embarrassing life choice.)

After a double-digit number of days, it's been doing pretty well over the past few.

Then I helped push a car across Minnesota Avenue.

(Worthwhile investment of panting and hilarity.)

Then moving week occurred...er...is occurring now.

That means a lot of lifting and a lack of seating.

(Poor timing.)

And in my obnoxiously high level of boredom and anxiety this week, I chose to distract myself tonight by being crafty.

I finger-painted my bean bag toss over a sheet on the floor of my apartment.

(I can only say "All of the Above" to explain my feelings on explaining this one.)

Must have been leaning over to reach as oddly as humanly possible, but didn't notice because I was so engrossed in the sensory stimulation of such a project AND my need to be ever-vigilant in order to avoid the upturned screws and threatening wooden shards yearning to lodge themselves inside the skins of every finger on my two hands.

When it was all over, I went to stand up. Couldn't.

Crawled over to bed and here I stay.

My grabber (which I had to invest in post-rolly chair collision) is packed away in a suitcase.

My Tylenol is packed in the bag in the storage closet.

My closest friends are out of town.

My mom's backrub is a 3.5 hour car drive away.

And that boyfriend who's supposed to come running to my aid has been broken up with.

So what do I do?

Slur an obscene string of curse words...

Mutter something about my apparent need for a life alert button...

Whine and whimper a bit, as though I was about to throw the equivalent of a two-year-old's tantrum...

Make an attempt at moving things with my mind...

and then cry.

Just... sob...!

That-- right there-- is the true low point here.

Because the truth behind that sob lies simply my frustration in having those I have grown to depend on at such an alarming distance.

And, at a time when all I am doing is packing up my life to move onto one distant endeavor after another, that reality hits awfully hard.

So, although I will certainly admit this has been quite the pity party, I am left wondering if there's not more to it than that.

I have been carrying a lot over these past few weeks, emotionally speaking.

Maybe it'll just take a night of immobility to force me to work through some of those issues.

Maybe I just need to sleep on it.

...If I need more than that (like someone to get me a bed pan and then change it for me) I'll be sure to let you-- yes, you--know.

[When everything you thought, wasn’t.]

As it turns out, I may have been mistaken all along.

Your care was a surprise.

I saw your emotions.

You told me once you could separate yourself from them, but I saw.

I’m sorry.

I think I had it all wrong all along.

Or at least, I’m left wondering.

I thought you were the one who needed the deadline.

I thought you were the one who couldn’t let yourself love.

I thought you needed a here-and-now.

Didn’t think you were at all interested in a there-and-then.

So I didn’t allow myself to swoon like I would have liked.

I didn’t allow myself to ponder any kind of someday.

If I felt myself feeling a’flutter, I knew I had to crush the emotion.

I convinced myself out of the relationship, when I thought it clear that was what was expected.

I guarded my heart fiercely because you were guarding yours.

Or so I thought.

I didn’t fall for you.

But could I have?

Had I let myself take another step…?

It’s too late.

It’s okay.

It’s just…

This is why relationships are not supposed to be just for fun.

This is why they ought never be taken lightly.

This is why two people need to speak their feelings.

This is why endings are so treacherous.

When can I tell you all the good?

When can I let you know how I thought? How I cared?

Or do you already know?

When can we heal...?

I don’t know the rules here.

This is a terrain even more foreign than the one we just left.

There is little of which I am certain.

I know I am sad.

I let you down.

I locked away my feelings.

Locked away the key.

Made it easy to leave.

I feel cruel. I feel regret. I feel…

Well, that’s just it—

Now that I’m allowed, I feel.

And wish that I would have felt before,

So I could know how to feel now.

[ When you realize your life, their life is a cluster-fuck. ]

Boundaries.

We’re in constant negotiation with them day in and out. We tend to find out when we overstep in the most aggressive way possible, when all we yearn for is for those who see our blunders to maintain its hushed status. These boundaries are tricky and ruthless—time and time again we can caress the line, without any sort of notice. No congratulations or swell of applause for navigating around it. No disappointed eyes averting our own or self-infused guilt tripping us up, either. Boundaries. They haunt our every moment, every step, every point of our life beyond.

Still, I recognize the beauty of boundaries. Every once in a while I am grateful for the sense of order, even ethics, that they attempt to instill. Every other while, though, I wonder why those who unknowingly cross those lines are forced to pay they way they do. Who’s to say what’s more right or most wrong? This is territory that I don’t like to negotiate often. Throws my head in a tizzy. Yet here I am, wondering.

About Line #1:

I’m wondering why one human being gets scolded for announcing she’s about to pour out her emotions and then – how dare she!-- proceeding to do so. She’s speaking her truths. She’s told you she needs a space to express her darker issues, so why do you refuse to allow her that? She’s insulting you by default? Get over it. Stop reading. You have a choice, you see. She doesn’t. This is her shit. You are in the depths of it. If you don’t like it, get out. The whole point is that she’s making an effort to join in your escape efforts. Why don’t you give her a hand? Instead of ripping on her for the way she feels and the emotions she’s trying to get a handle on, reach out to her kindly. Instead of dedicating your loyalty to a Place, dedicate it to a friend. Even if you don’t understand any aspect of it because you’ve never visited that place in which she resides. Judging from the state of her well-being, you should give your thanks that that’s the case.

Then give some care.

Then give some space.

Pain forces us to do things that we wouldn’t typically do. We cross boundaries we wouldn’t normally touch. When you’re the brunt of it, be it fair or otherwise, understand that you are not the reason for this reaction. There’s depth here.

Be sure to give your understanding.

Be sure to give some space.

If she were unpacking her baggage about some other topic, things would not be this dicey. If she were exposing her wounds from a lover that done her wrong in order to overcome the suffering she’d gone through, she’d be getting a few “hallelujah’s” from the crowd. If she were expressing her disdain for…I don’t know… study hall, she’d get a thousand comments backing her and would get just as many high fives in the hallway. So she’s talking about something personal to you. It’s personal to her, too. You’re her friend. What are you going to do?

Whew.

And Line #2:

What happens when you thought the boundary line was here, and suddenly – yet still too late, mind you – discover it’s all the way over there…?!!

When did it change and why were you not informed? Something this enormously defining… shouldn’t there been some sort of discussion about this?!

Oh, wait.

I suppose that argument works both ways, doesn’t it?

This is the moment.

It’s when you discover this relationship—this give, this take—has been lived in your head all along. So much has been decided not in voice but in assessment. Your keen eye for detail and your avid ability to analyze the shit out of every exchange has—gasp!—led you astray.

What now?

What do you do?

How do you change for the better next time?

Ugh.

Then onto Line #3:

The one that shuts you up because you’re not free to say what you want to say even though you seemed to think you were free to do so not long ago! (Where was the line then, eh?!) It’s the very same one that will cause your eyes to glance at the ground when you reminisce because you know you shouldn’t, but, at the same time, you know there’s nothing else you should do more. You’re torn, but not. You’re stuck is all. Don’t wish the time away. Just be amidst the confusion. Live amid the fogginess and the guilt and the giddiness and the ache and the unknown. You think you’ll be healed once things get figured out… but can’t life is just be okay here? Right where you are. Embedded in its tangles. Writhing in the moment’s mistakes and misgivings. Why can’t you just give yourself enough space to breathe and thrive here? What comes may come in its own time. It will be whatever it can be. You are not in control and – epiphany – you never were. Live it here. Love it here.

Hmm.

Now… Where’s Line #4? I know it's around here somewhere...

[Ground Level.]

Found this buried under a pile of important documents...

the likes of which I decided to procrastinate on a while longer.

NOTES FROM GARDEN LEVEL

The beginnings.

Always thriving to have the greatest, most endearing life tale.

Isn't it enough to just be satisfied where you are,

so long as you are continually striving to live entirely?

I don't need to go more places than you.

Don't need to see more sights.

Don't need to lay claim to more experience.

I just need to be and allow myself the freedom of wandering.

Need to pace myself .

Needn't be so demanding.

Just live.

Experience fully.

Live every moment with the fury of engagement.

[The Linear Verbage Project. Take One.]

Here's a peek at a little something I've been fawning over these past few months.

… LINEAR VERBAGE …

The project: I don’t listen enough to the lyrics.

It’s time to take note of those clever one-liners and tasty bridge mixes.

“I’ve given up on truth ‘cause I’m running out of youth.”

The Fine Arts Showcase: London, My Town

“Every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time.”

Death Cab for Cutie: What Sarah Said

“It’s not hard to grow when you know that you just don’t know.”

Damien Rice: Cannonball

“’Cause waking up without you is like drinking from an empty cup…”

Damien Rice: The Animals Were Gone

“Who the hell can see forever?”

Iron & Wine: The Trapeze Swinger

“Oh my god, it’s all around.”

The Low Anthem: Charlie Darwin

“He departed not a beggar but a lord.”

The Lower 48: Miles to Minnesota

“You went into the kitchen cupboard, got yourself another hour, and you gave half of it to me.”

Regina Spektor: The Calculation

“I went walking through the city… like a drunk, but not.”
“It’s been a long time since before I been touched, now I’m getting touched all the time.”

Regina Spektor: Dance Anthem of the 80’s

“Every word you say I think I should write down. Don’t want to forget come daylight.”

Joshua Radin & Schuler Fisk: Paperweight

“I got a lot of lovin’. Got a lot of lovin’. Got a lot of love in my heart.”

Lissie: Little Lovin’

“If you’re feeling what I’m feeling, c’mon. All you soul-searching people, c’mon!”

Delta Spirit: People, C’Mon

“If love is just a game, then how come it’s no fun? If love is just a game, how come I’ve never won? I guess maybe it’s possible I might be playing it wrong and that’s why every time I roll the dice I always come undone…”

Noah and the Whale: 2 Atoms in a Molecule

“…And the children will play.”

Matisyahu: One Day

“You’ll never know dear how much I love you…”

Sarah Siskind: Lovin’s for Fools

“When there’s nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire.”

“It’s nothing but time and a face that you lose. I chose to feel it but you couldn’t choose.”

“I’m not sorry I met you. I’m not sorry it’s over. I’m not sorry there’s nothing to say.”

Stars: Your Ex-Lover Is Dead

“But I know the thirty reasons you have to break away and set out on your own.”

Octoberman: Thirty Reasons

“We could steal time. Just for one day.”

Moulin Rouge!: Elephant Love Medley

“Don’t fix my smile.”

Freelance Whales: Generator 2^nd Floor

“It’s too late to change your mind. You let laws be your guide.”

Broken Bells: The High Road

“The bad feels so bad, makes the good so good.”

The Local Natives: World News

“You must stick up for yourself, son. Never mind what anybody else done.”

“…If anyone should cheat you, take advantage of, or beat you, raise your head and wear your wounds with pride.”

Yeasayer: Ambling Alp

“It’s hard not to let it go from a mess to the masses.”

Phoenix: Listomania

“I’d like to think I’m a mess you’d wear with pride.”

Band of Horses: I Go to the Barn Because I Like The

“I want you endlessly!”

Fyfe Dangerfield: When You Walk in the Room

“I remember Monday, making your eyes gray.”

Yeasayer: I Remember

“I want to thank you for being a part of my forget-me-nots and marigolds.”

Motion City Soundtrack: LG Fuad

“It’s okay if you just want to be sitting on the outskirts with me.”

Packway Handle Band: Outskirts

“You’re the harmony to my heartbeat, baby.”

Sally Seltman: Harmony to My Heartbeat

“Thought some day I’d place it on your finger…”

Lissie: Wedding Bells (Hank Williams cover)

“So thank you, friends, for the time we shared. Your love stays with me like sunlight in air. Though I truly wish I could keep hanging around here, my joy is covering me.
Soon I will disappear.”

Dave Rawlings Machine: Method Acting/Cortez the Killer (cover combo)

“What you want, you are. You always were.”

Stars: Fixed

“You can buy it and you can sell it. But nobody’s figured how to make it work.”

“I’m still waiting on a sucker punch…!”

Jason Collett: Love is a Dirty Word

“Forgive me, first love…but I’m tired. I need to get away to feel again.”

Adele: First Love

“Love is still your stranger.”

Dawes: Love is All I Am

“I’ve always been known to cross lines.”

“Jesus don’t love me. No one ever carried my load. I’m too young to feel this old.”

Kings of Leon: Cold Desert

[Drain.]

The lovely girl with whom I spent my childhood exploring told me some interesting news this past weekend when I stopped by for a visit.

Now, this friend will forever reside in my heart as the ginger-haired, allergy-ridden, corrective-eye patch-wearing girl in overalls from my past. In those days, boys were always figurative. Neither one of us was actually supposed to be able to captivate a male specimen. We were supposed to be tomboys, playing catch in the street while donning flannel shirts, able only to dream of boys like J-14’s JTT.

She has morphed quite a bit since then. Today she is a social butterfly, living a life on Grand Ave that has me envious every moment. She is a strong, captivating individual who leads a life full of heart… and I like to think our time together in her RV listening to Mariah Carey has something to do with her well-rounded outcome.

Her bold, city slicker lifestyle has left her and her long time boyfriend quite a distance apart, however. For years now, they’ve been working through a long-distance relationship. Considering the fact that we’re all 23 years young, their 5 or 6 year relationship is one for the record books, as far as I’m concerned. Her news this weekend was that things had become too difficult. The relationship, which was supposed to be the calm to her life’s storm, was becoming the stressor. She had to call it off, if only for the time being.

People who no one would ever expect to look at a relationship in general in a positive light have taken an uncharacteristic interest in the decision this couple has been forced to make. Two of these folk have expressed encouragement for her to trust in their mutual adoration.

“I think you two are soulmates.”

Isn’t it funny just how profound that statement can be when it comes from the mouth of someone you’d least expect to hear it from?

I second this boy’s notion, but, then again, that’s not a surprise. I’m still that hopeless romantic who – despite my own experience in this field which would claim otherwise— still believes in ‘if it’s meant to be, it’ll be’. Oddly, I take comfort in his understanding of this couple’s commitment and love. (I term it odd simply because I have yet to understand why I’m the one needing the encouragement.)

Additionally, isn’t it refreshing to hear someone confess a belief in soulmates today?

Ugh. The notion has been brutally attacked in my world for several years, and I’d begun talking myself out of the idealistic concept. To put it plainly, I was beginning to lose hope in such a thing. And that’s a problem, considering the fact that relationships need every glimmer of hope that they can get.

Now, sitting here reflecting on my childhood bestie and her lost (or paused?) relationship, one would assume that this would only add to my progress toward cementing a thoroughly negative understanding of long-term commitment, lifelong love, and enduring relationship.

But it doesn’t. I’m still a believer. Perhaps even more so than before.